Ouroboros
by delicateblood
Summary: Finding connections through the ghosts in their pasts, lost souls find each other in darkness and sparks life to an unexpected outcome. Dark Fic, Angst, Gaasaku OTP, light GaaSakuNaru


Well here goes nothin'. And yup- I'm a music person, like so many.

Unsun- "Lost Innocence"

Chapter 1: Nocturnal Tryst

She knew he was in the village. She knew he would go to see Naruto, making a beeline past everyone, especially at times like this when it came to dealing with Sasuke. She always expected everyone to go to her blonde teammate before anyone would consider her. Yes, she was indeed bitter. She understood everything, and no one would take any sense of value in that. They all danced careful steps around her, she wasn't oblivious to this fact. They wanted to protect her, they cared. That was always what she told herself. They won't be responsible if she breaks, is what she knew to be true though.

It wasn't _obsessive_. It wasn't wrong. It wasn't pathetic. She wasn't pathetic. She wasn't annoying. All the time and effort she had put in to change herself, it all meant _something._ She was just being-

_ "You're annoying."_

The words reverberated in her mind as she sat in the darkness of her bedroom, her knees curled against her chest as tightly as she could. She told herself she wasn't obsessed, and she would prove it.

_ "You're annoying."_

No, he was just being an angry kid, lashing out. It was completely understandable. He had no decent outlet to vent to, so he took it out on the people closest to him. He never meant any harm. Deep down he knew what he was doing. He wasn't a traitor, he just decided to take matters into his own hands. If you didn't know him like we did, you wouldn't understand. Sai was just being a di-

_ "You're annoying."_

He didn't mean it. All those times he had saved her, the Forest of Death, that time meant something. It all did, every moment, every word; good or bad, had meaning to it. She knew it and would have none of-

_ "Sakura..."_

Somehow she had ended up on her hands and knees now, knuckles turning white as her fingers curled in on themselves. The dam was ready to break. She knew what would come next.

_ ...Thank you."_

The surge of emotional strain triggered her minds instinct for self preservation. Squeezing her eyes shut, she slammed her head against the wood flooring with a deafening thud.

Well, that had proved _something_.

The world went hazy for a moment before she felt a cold line trail down her forehead and drip from her nose. The momentary surge of adrenaline heightened her senses. Her ears were burning as she heard each drop of blood hit the floor with an discernible 'plop'. That sound. It was the greatest comfort she had ever come to know. It was the sound of life leaving through her veins, she was elated to know her heart could still beat at moments like this, she was...

Probably going to pass out from blood loss if she didn't dress her wound soon.

Smearing the blood on her forehead in a meager attempt to wipe it clean, she applied gentle pressure against the split at her hair line. It would be easy enough to brush it off as a training incident. She made her way to her vanity and braced her hands against the edge. Noticing the blood on the back of her hand, she couldn't bring herself to look in the mirror.

What would people think if they really knew her? The exterior never, ever reflected the interior. That saying was as old as time itself; as true as the sky was blue; as the wind blows, and as true as her love for the Uchiha. As if attacking the source would have stopped the notion in its tracks. No...The internal, debilitating fits would return. They always did and would render her to a weakened, sobbing heap.

She couldn't take him back. She had practically laid on her back for him while he was willing to sacrifice her to his own misguided fury. And through every scenario she thought could have happened, the outcome was always certain. She would have let him every time. She had not possesed the courage to use the poisoned Kunai against him. She fell back, and Naruto was there to pull her from his grasp. He was there, every time. It would never fail. He would never fail. And she would always be over powered, if not by Sasuke, then by her own infatuation of him.

Could she even call it that anymore? Would it have been right to?

"He makes you weak.", Tsunade had offhandedly mentioned during a training exercise one evening. It was so sudden and out of context, she couldn't grasp how Tsunade would come to such a thing.

"He's running around with an S-Class criminal. If he were anyone else, I wouldn't even consider bringing him back at all." Her hand that was pumping chakra into the fish had betrayed her passive demeanor and twitched.

"...But knowing he means a lot to many here, I am willing to overlook some things. Not everything though."

She was asking for permission. Gauging her reaction to what she might consider.

"He's not good for either of you, that much I understand." Sakura followed the path of her masters eyes until she realized where they were focused, and she looked down instantly. The fish was no longer moving. It was a good metaphor, really.

Minutes had passed and the blood had finally clotted, leaving only a few specs sticking to her skin, which she dusted away. What had her feelings evolved into at this point? She covered her eyes with her hand, halting the tears before they could fall.

What had she _done_ to herself?

How many countless hours had she devoted to revisiting the painful memories in fear of a single detail being forgotten? The memories were her temple now, which she regularly visited to worship. They served as her catalyst for pain and hope. She was sick and hid behind the mask of high hopes and expectations.

If she could let go, she thought, just for one moment, how would it feel? Confess the thoughts that made her not Sakura Haruno, but back to the pitiful little wretch she formerly was. Who would she become at this point? What would people see her as now? She knew Naruto would lock her up and throw away the key. Tsunade would most likely do the same and possibly try to use some sort of Memory-Binding Jutsu (a method often used on most of the tortured souls in the mental ward.)

What good would that do? She wanted her suffering to mean something, but she wanted to be free of it at the same time. She wanted to leave herself exposed and wanted the idol of her fixation to visit the temple she had worked so hard erecting for him. It was selfish. She was selfish, but so was he. She understood that part of him and couldn't bring herself to hate him for it, even if everyone else did. She did know though, as she plunged herself into deeper levels of delusion, how truly sick it was to think this way. She had to be free. The fire of her torment had done its job in reducing her to nothing but dust beneath her flesh, no foundation to support the weight of her despair anymore. She ran on purely nothing now, and it was finally beginning to show.

Barely caring about the small abrasion on her hair line, she took to the streets, welcoming the cool night chill and letting the cobble stone path lead her to wherever. She looked as she felt, a lifeless body led by no direction other than the hunger of its own desires. After a half hour or so of wandering the vacant streets, she decided the worst of terrors had subsided. She turned the corner through the alley where it would lead the shortest distance back to her apartment. Time to retreat and repeat.

She never expected to run into him, but at the same time, she really _should_ have. Where else would he be other than down a dark alley at three o'clock in the morning. It was almost in his job description, really. Strange though, why this alley of all the others in Konoha? She couldn't help but feel like she was being ambushed. She continued down the corridor until she was about five paces from him. That's all she would give him until he engaged her. He finally opened his black rimmed eyes and slowly met hers with inert attention.

"Gaara- san." She gave a polite nod of her head outwardly, but internally she was forming a barrier of pleasantries. She may have been a bit shaken tonight, but past occurrences couldn't be forgotten no matter what the circumstances. Self preservation would kick in for someone who had once faced a possible death; even if it was exactly five paces away.

The silence permeated the air, bringing an uncomfortable ambiance that was nearly palpable. Alright, she would bite. She knew he wasn't much for conversation anyway.

"How long are you here for?"

"Till tomorrow evening."

Cut and dry, she knew this wasn't going to be pleasant.

"Oh, I see." She shifted her weight to one leg, then the other. This was going nowhere fast. She debated on either dismissing herself and pretending this never happened or-

"What would you do about him?" She was jolted out of her inner debate at the sound. Her mind brimmed on the risk of what he was implying.

"Him? You mean..."

His translucent eyes pierced her own gaze. She had never truly faced him until now. He was a different person yes, but in his eyes he couldn't hide the past that he pushed aside in order to become the Kazekage. Anyone who truly looked at him would have froze like a deer in line of a predators site. He knew true anguish, Lee had said. He knew what true abandonment was, mentioned Naruto. He knew more than beyond his years, had learned far quicker than anyone she had ever witnessed and had almost felt jealous of his ascent while Sasuke only fell to the rocks below. But wait-

It dawned on her, why had she never noticed it before?

Her gaze still locked with his, she stepped out of the moonlight to join him in the shadow that he, himself had taken refuge in. His whole demeanor seemed to relax, his expression shifting from that of impassiveness to inquisition. His stare made her feel exposed, raw.

How guilty did she look? Girding herself, she mustered up the most heart breaking smile and answered:

"I think asking Naruto or I is not what you all should be doing. We are biased. This would be a better question for someone like the Hokage I would think. In the end it's not our opinions that count."

There. Fake. Painless. This didn't have to be so bad.

"Practice makes perfect, correct?"

She blinked. What was he getting at? Her blood instantly froze in her veins at the first thought that had emerged.

Oh no.

"Excuse me?"

"Your heart rate speeds up, your eyes dilate, you would turn your knees inwards; a sign of submission whenever you were in his presence. Witnessing what I was, you confronted me without hesitation. Even now you..." his voice trailed off, and she soon realized why. She was shaking. In some ways he had changed, and in others he was exactly as ruthless as she had remembered him.

Oh _god_ no.

"Your opinion..." he gestured to her trembling form, "...obviously means _something_."

She was able to settle herself as long as she responded accordingly.

"But as a whole it doesn't matter." she uttered under her breath.

She didn't matter. He looked at her doubtfully. She never thought he would be one to prod. But he definitely did have his own way of going about it. And who was she to suddenly start letting people down?

"I don't want them to bring him back."

There, she had said it. The only living soul who truly knew how she felt.

Is this what she had been looking for tonight? Did she expect to run into him? Is this what her subconscious had intended in the first place? Self preservation was a basic instinct for a healthy human mind, maybe this is was the hope she was looking for. She would never know unless she took a chance. Maybe he of all people would understand. She was at the breaking point, and he was going to witness it. And what he was going to do with the information after this night, she had no idea. She needed to feel her heart beat again.

And it did, her heart began to speed up and her legs began to tremble, just as he had predicted. His penetrating stare went from that of cautious scrutiny, to familiar disappointment, with a hint of concern even. She hesitated with what she was about to do, she never expected pity from him, not in a million years, he truly had changed. Maybe there was hope he would understand.

She couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze as it took all the courage she had ever possessed in her life, more so than when she went to retrieve Sasuke herself.

"When I was 6 years old, I told myself I loved him more than my life. What a profound thing for a 6 year old to think..." There was a sense of insincere humor lined in her voice.

"I had decided my fate, my own way of defining myself in this world was to lift him up, give his life meaning by sacrificing my own. I took that in every which way I could possibly think of. What did true sacrifice and devotion mean? I thought this was the best way."

Yes, he would understand.

"I remember, one day I was told by the other girls how he would never think I was good enough for him. How anything I ever did anyone could top, and that I didn't have a chance at a future with him. I didn't have a chance at a future was what I heard. He was the only thing in my line of sight, you see."

He had to understand.

"I believe that when you are young, you do foolish things. You have no reference level and no foresight that things can change, that they can get better, maybe even worse. Your hopes and dreams can change, I didn't want that. I was terrified. So I made sure I would never forget the reason why I lived." She traced her inner arm, a habit she had picked up when she was younger to sooth her nerves in stressful situations.

"B-but...I'm not 6 anymore. I don't want to be that worthless person anymore, but I can't fight it knowing that the possibility of him coming back is there. It's selfish...I know what he has gone through, know why he does the things he does, but...I can't forgive him for what he's put us through...I... He deserves the worst of the danger he has put himself in and, that's how I truly feel, and it makes me sick to my stomach." She felt as though the ground was going to open up and swallow her whole.

"He makes us all this way. Makes us question what we know is right." She couldn't stop now.

"Every day I feel like I am drowning. Every day I am just struggling against the current. I can't let go, not until maybe... h-he is dead...o-or... _or I'd rather be!_" Her voice shook with sentiment. Her composure was just a mere two steps away from unraveling all together. When he had made no movements, no sounds of acknowledgment, she knew she had crossed a line. She had to reel back now.

"I'm sorry, you seemed like you would u-understand. I-I'm sorry y-you asked and I..." her hands clasped tightly together. Like everything she had ever faced in her life, she had to look at the results of her shame in the eyes. Every day in front of the mirror and now, to an almost perfect stranger she had decided to thrust her baggage upon, just because she assumed he would understand. As if he didn't have enough of his own...how stupid could she...

When she looked up she nearly jumped out of her skin to see he was now inches from her form. When had he moved?

The sand.

With his mere will, the sand was conjured, forming a familiar cocoon-like exterior around them, just about the size of their own bodies, but not large enough to move more than a few centimeters in any direction. She never had been so physically close to him before, it made her stomach turn in a strange way, and the feeling of his breath against her forehead wasn't helping the situation either. Strange, she could smell him for the first time. It was earthy, leather, wood, a bit of sage she could detect. Most likely he would burn some for meditative purposes. What had she expected?

Copper, rotting meat, sweat.

Blood.

She grimaced at the guilt she felt for thinking such a shallow thing, despite what she knew him to be now.

"Your pain cannot be cured because the medicine for it does not exist." His voice grated against her ears. She had never thought his physical appearance or voice to be unpleasant, different, unfamiliar from anything she ever knew, but not unpleasant. Far from actually, his sudden close proximity was a test on what she truly thought of him.

"It was the same for him too, it was why he tried to kill me. I understand now, you two are similar." Similar? That didn't sound accurate. She could hear sand rush around them, moving, the evidence of its life making itself known by the conviction of his words.

"This was my own remedy. I had to find a cure within myself or I was going to die. My sins could not touch me here." She was mesmerized by his words. She could feel the precise cut of each syllable, it was comforting, it was acknowledgment. It was heaven. He couldn't see it, but as she listened, she closed her eyes, continuing to take in his all consuming presence. It was working. He was making her forget.

"I have come to accept my mistakes, my foolishness, but not without the help of those understanding the pain I have endured."

Naruto.

"I could never do it." her voice cracked, even the budding contemplation strangled her.

"Anyone but him. It was equal, we were equal in our pain, which is what I wanted him to believe. I was ashamed. We...We leaned on each other." she stuttered as she tried to convince him. She knew what he wanted her to do though.

"But you came to me."

He was right, she did come find him. There were a million routes home, more than enough excuses to avoid him, she knew what she was doing from the start.

"And you expected me." they were both at a stalemate. She decided to diverge from the path there conversation had taken.

"I thought things would get better for the both of us, after what we had decided to do about Sasuke. For Naruto, it did. He found strength, like he always does in loving. I thought I would too. But I-"

"You will not find your medicine in him. He is your _poison_."

Her trembling increased, instead of the world swallowing her whole, she'd welcome the crushing blow of his sand once again. Those words terrified her more than she would have ever believed. He was supposed to be her salvation. Her entire being fought desperately with that logic.

"But, I thought, I-..." Now her body was fighting just to spit out each word. She had made a horrible mistake. He didn't understand. She needed to get out of there, she needed to run away from Konoha and never return, she needed to-

"This is something you can use." She froze. It was her choice, he implied. He was hitting two birds with one stone. Sacrificing his comfort for acceptance and reaching out at the same time. Her thoughts slowed. So he had understood, and accepted.

It was too much.

She never had expected this. Of all things she had expect, she hadn't mentally prepared herself for this outcome. She thought he would ignore her, or go get Naruto, or anything... It was all too much. The relief was liberating. What she did next was all she could do to save herself from turning tail and running back to her demise. She was sorry that she had appointed him as the one to bear witness to this.

With an almost violent vehemence, she closed the gap between them as she buried her face in his shoulder, her hands clinging to him for dear life. Her knees knocked, she stomach quaked, and all caring aside, she let out the tormented groan she had been holding back since the day he left her, and wept into his shoulder.

She held her old self under, feeling it fight to resurface with every hope and dream she had ever imagined with Sasuke. With the stress on her senses from her breakdown, her legs gave out from under her. She felt herself begin to slide downwards, but before she could crumple into a lifeless heap, she felt his hands grab her shoulders before snaking them under her arms. Her limp body causing him to bend her backward, on the outside it would have appeared that they were locked in a passionate embrace.

Minutes had passed. It was like they had drifted into another dimension, another time. This is what he had meant. She hadn't misunderstood and neither had he. Her deafening cries were completely absorbed by the walls of sand that surrounded them. On the outside of their cocoon, not a single sound could be heard. She could have never done this anywhere else in Konoha, not without raising alarm. He understood, and he didn't judge her.

What seemed like hours after the last of her whimpers had subsided, they stood there, still locked in each other's embrace. Finally regaining feeling in her limbs, she finally noticed something.

He, himself was shivering. She looked up trying to see what his expression might have been, to no avail.

"Gaara...?" had she frightened him with her outburst? When she pushed against his chest his grip on her tightened, causing her to unintentionally press her mouth against his cheek. If there was light, he could have seen her turn 20 different shades of red. "Gaara what are you-"

"I wish...I wished I could have held him like this, one last time. I wished I could have given him the medicine he required. But I was his _poison_." His voice uncharacteristically hitched.

"Who?" she gulped as his cheek rubbed against her own. His grip on her tightened but she held in the whimper threatening to escape her throat. Things were starting to get weird, but they had come to this point. It was too late to turn back now. It all had to mean something. His mouth centimeters from her ear, he grated out:

"If it were my choice, I would tear him to shreds." She jerked away from him instantly, hitting the wall but he moved with her, his hold on her still firm.

"Because," he huffed against her cheek, "he _chose_ to be poison. What I would have done to have been born as _privileged_ as him." She could feel wetness at the base of his chin she knew immediately. She had invoked the demons of his past in some way and now she was responsible for whatever he would do next. She had to fix her mistake or she'd never forgive herself. Make her what he may. She couldn't find it in herself to be upset.

"I understand too." She pressed his head against her shoulder and he relaxed a little, but the shaking still hadn't completely subsided, she didn't think it would. She knew she needed to play this part, whomever that was. He offered her a place of solace, she could do it in return.

"Yashamaru..." his hand weaved into her hair, pressing his nose under the hollow of her ear, he breathed against her neck, "...I love you."

The intimate nature of his words caused her to pull back. Clearly she had crossed a line and she had to make distance between them before things got out of hand. She moved to unwind herself from him, but right as she had made enough distance between them, it was already too late. In the darkness she didn't see him coming, as she felt his lips press harshly against her own and in that instant, something within her had moved. She couldn't for the life of her make sense as to why she returned his kiss with equal fervor. It was there that they could fulfill the roles of whatever they needed. And as long as they were both good at keeping secrets and were granted each other's blessings to continue, they did. In the protective darkness, he could see blonde hair, and she could see black.


End file.
